“You want me to leave
You want me to stay
You ask me to come back
You turn and walk away.
You want to be lovers
You want to be friends
I’m losing my patience
We’re nearing the end.”
The words are someone elses but the feelings are definitely all mine. I guess I’m writing this now because of the recent “incident” has been on my mind. Don’t get me wrong at all – I care very much about you – more than you’d realize and probably more than you care to. I hope one day is can all finally work out for us. We’ve only been trying for 3 and ½ years. Please don’t give up and I won’t either. You’re really the only one, but I’m not going to say that there will never be another. I hope you realize this also. Don’t treat me as if you are in charge. I’m afraid we might both regret it. I also hope one day you can know exactly how I feel. But, I know you well enough to say, if you did would DEFINITELY be the end. I care so much, and I’ll always be here for you. But like I said we’re not going to be able to continue letting you decide what’s best for the both of us. Yes, I understand you’re getting older, 22 this year, but I’m ready to have a good time as senior just as you did. If you seem to recall, that’s how we met. I know how furious you get when I want to have fun. Well, when you want to I have never, ever said no or why. Also, I’ve never gone through the questioning sessions that you give me. As this progresses (the letter) I am thinking more about what’s best for me not just for us. Think about it, it’s definitely important.
Today is my b-day! The big 17! Big Deal! Oh well, it’s fun having a b-day during school I guess. My car got decorated this morning with streamers and balloons! Tonight will be rushed I have football practice, have to pick up RG and have a nice quiet dinner at home. The day has gone quite well – although I was almost late. I came in as soon as the bell had run. Earlier start next time! JL and I are doing great. Our friendship really means a lot to me. She understands me and we really get along great. AM has really gotten on our nerves. She tries to tag-a-long everywhere we go. She even tries to make moves on some of the football players! What a dipshit!
Speaking of football players and dipshits RR has been paying quite a bit of attention my way lately. JL would say its because he likes me. I don’t know. Oh well. I’m just glad we’re on speaking terms again. He’s a honey, but I don’t know if it would ever work out. But that bridge may never have to be crossed. Anyway, I guess its sage to say that my life is going pretty good right now. I feel great about myself. That helps out a lot. I’m not really after any one guy. JL would say that I was lying. I really don’t know. Oh well no use worrying. God will make whatever decisions He feels is best!
Today I am quite worried about DG. Since I have a college class I take her to the sitters at 9:30. She really did not want to go. She wanted to stay with me instead. She is a very sensitive child. Her latest question being – Do you love me? Or do you still love me? She tends to be insecure. I see so much of me in her. I have been an insecure person for a very long time. The divorce events (although not bitter), the moving around. I used to hate going into stores by myself. Like my mom would say, would you run into here and get me some milk? I used to be afraid that when I got back she wouldn’t be there. DG is so cute, cuddly. She has been dads favorite. I’m not jealous, anymore. I used to get all that attention and more. I love those kids probably more than I would love my own, well, maybe not THAT much. Back to DG, she is so quiet and she keeps to herself. Her feelings get hurt very easily. Maybe this is why I see so much of me in her. I hope she doesn’t have all of the problems I had. I mean they were all a part of growing up, but still, they are a pain in the rear!! I hope my little baby is OK. I do worry about her a lot. It’s hard for her and CG being they are 11 years younger than me. They’ve sort of grown up in their own world. I love them both so much , and I worry just like their mother.
What can I say about the girl – she’s my bestest! I can’t believe we actually had been apart for one minute! She’s a sweetheart and a half. We are so much alike sometimes it’s scary. I am so glad that I could be blessed with her friendship. I hope we can move out and get an apartment together when we’re 18. I really don’t know her future plans with ER. If they get married in a few years maybe we could stay together. It’s weird not having any other friends. I really don’t. By friends I mean if I needed money or a place to stay she’d be right there & I know I’d do the same. We’re inseparable, even though she’s cheering and I’m doing a thousand other things. She’s my sister and that will never change no matter what! We always have a great time wherever we are or whatever we do. Even just talking on the phone until 12:00 midnight. No one understands why we have to talk so long because we see each other in school. Oh Well. She is always there to reassure me in one way or another. I hope she feels the same about me. We are each others’ guides and we help each other make it through. Kind of like guardian angels. Although I must state, sometimes our angels turn into devils! I just hope she knows how I feel – cause I love her lots and she’s my one and only! (Even though she says things she knows I’ll hate SP for example!)
P.S. No I’m not!! I won’t let it happen!!